ToBeLive

Falling short on words would be the best way I can express my recent thought storm. I have recently realized one of my traits is being consistent with inconsistency. I know most people may disagree, but the fact is I can't stick to the same role for more than a year. Amazingly none of my seniors but, few of my colleagues use to say something similar and use to praise me for this.

It’s nothing new to me, and neither to my dear ones, notably my family and my close friends. I had been like this since years, throughout my school, while in college, in job, at home; I wonder how come I never saw it?! And how come my family & friends missed it completely... phew !!

But no please don't generalize it and dont make a mistake by mixing it up with my levels of commitments and sincerity of my efforts. I have always been a good friend, an honest employee, a sincere colleague and have always respected and followed my core values.

Education and academia always were an introspecting experience for me. Every year had offered new unfolding of me that had been unknown to me. MBA helped me to realize what I want to do with my life. I developed a simple formula for life.

Current life span is 60 Yrs (max)
- I am around 30 Yrs
---------------------------------------------------------
So I am left with just 30 more in hand !!

Just imagine mine 30 yrs are gone.. with not much achievements, lots of regrets & pain but few good friends like Harish, Sachin, Ravinder, Bhairavi, Sandy, Ravinder, Lata to name a few. And the sum of my assets earned is my family and my elders. The love and affection we share, the warmth I have enjoyed over so many years. I still remember my Sister disclosing the tale of “how god helps up to hold BIG things ..by taking away smaller ones”.

So, the BIG question is HOW do I want to live these remaining years of my life . ..

Last 7 years had been all good except I always felt void of my family. Unlike others homesickness is a routine for me. It seldom happened that a day passed when I didn't regretted being dumped in Mumbai. The worst was I was always able to convince myself that I am happy and making worth of my life.

Obviously we all are blessed with good days when we are made to thought "WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING ??" or "IS THIS WHAT I WANT TO DO ??!" and then we feel that tinkle in one corner of our stomach.

Coming back to 'the' formula, I realized I am dealing in derivative of life based on the commodity of time.. which is going off second by second.

And one evening I busted it out, there are still doubts, and doubts and doubts and beyound these doubts there is a quest inside me to figure out "Why can't I live my life in the best possible way.. the way I want to make it for myself... why there are so many self imposed insecurities, and mental blockages.. why is it like people around me , espicially my well wishers, are scared and defensive about my ideas of doing something .. chh its nothing unusual.. its just new..!"